7 Steps to Win Over Your Local UPS Man

by Paulette Bonafonte (played by Alana DiSabatino)

Step 1: Avoid speaking to him
If you really wanna show this guy that you’re into him, just freeze up like a glass of water in Antarctica every single time you see him. And when he speaks to you, just don’t respond. I’m tellin ya, it works.
 
Step 2: Take his things
What better reason could he have to come back and talk to you (or, I guess at you, since you clearly will not respond: refer to step one) than your having something of his? Be it his stylus, his mislabeled package, or what have you…he’ll need to return for it. And you’ll be there. Silent.
 
Step 3: Steal his heart in a snap
Whatever maneuver you choose to use, just be sure to flaunt what you’ve got. I was hesitant with this one at first, but it definitely works. I personally prefer the bend and snap (shout out to my friend Elle and her imaginary friends for teaching me that one!), but feel free to use whatever combination floats your boat. You can do the ‘squat and stop’ or the “twist and hiss” or, if it’s really getting hot in there, the “stop, drop and roll.” Whatever you choose, just be sure to really go for it.
 
Step 4: Break him
Nothing says “hi I love you” like physically injuring a person. Just think about it. It sets ya up to have so much one on one time with him at the hospital…well…one on one with him and all the doctors, nurses, and other broken people there…but still, how romantic is that?
 
Step 5: Learn his name
It’s about time ya talked to him.
 
Step 6: Fall in love
You knew this was coming. The moment is here. Congratulations, you did it.
 
Step 7: Always be yourself
Because if I’ve learned anything over the years (and from Elle), it’s that this step never goes out of style.