by Chutney Windham Hey guys, welcome to my brand new original foodie blog, Chutney with Chutney. Today I’m gonna be sharing my top five favorite recipes for chutney that you can try at home! Everything is suuuuuper easy to make. In case you didn’t know, a chutney is basically a salsa, or a sauce make of chopped-up ingredients that you put on top of other foods. Good thing my dad didn’t name me Salsa, huh! Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha. Okay, let’s get started!! 5. Simple Mango Chutney Ingredients: Two ripe mangoes ½ cup of canned peaches in syrup A handful of fresh parsley Half a small red onion To Make: First peel the mangoes with an extra sharp knife. Then chop the fruits, onion, and parsley on a large cutting board until there are no pieces any bigger than a small blueberry. Store your mango chutney in the fridge—or you can put it in the patented fresh-foods icebox your stepmom got for your dad last Christmas. God, what a waste of cash. Like my dad would ever eat a fresh food. No way. 4. Fresh Tomato Chutney Ingredients: One large beefsteak tomato One clove of garlic, crushed Cilantro Half a small red onion To Make: This one is super easy—simply dice all the ingredients and drain the tomato juice off the cutting board before storing in an airtight container. Occasionally you may have to go back in and drain more tomato juice. Those tomatoes sure do have a lot of red juice in them. They sure bleed out a lot of juice. They sure bleed a lot, those tomatoes. 3. Lemon-Cayenne Chutney Ingredients: 15 lemons One cup of cayenne pepper Half a small red onion To Make: Now this one is a little unusual, but my stepmom swears by it. Apparently the key to a fast metabolism is lots of cleansing, and these three ingredients have super cleansing properties. Cut up your lemons into small wedges, stir in the chopped red onion, sprinkle cayenne over them, and wait for the lemon juice to soak up the spice. This is my only drinkable chutney—my stepmom Brooke puts a big scoop into her water bottle every morning after her three-hour workout. Or at least she used to, before she went to jail. Now I think she just has to drink plain water every day. What a tragedy. 2. Low-Cal Veggie Chutney Ingredients: One small zucchini, chopped One large carrot, chopped Three medium-sized radishes, chopped Half a small red onion To Make: This one is also super easy. Simply roast all the ingredients under high heat for 15-20 minutes in the oven. Normally I would use some olive oil and salt to make this actually taste good, but I’m giving you the low-cal version so you’ll just have to deal with most of the veggies sticking to the pan. This is the chutney my stepmom Brooke would always serve when her old Delta Nu sorority sisters would come over for brunch. Those ladies are crazy about staying thin. But now that Brooke is in prison for killing my dad, they don’t come over any more. I wouldn’t be surprised if they went to prison with her, actually—those women are crazy-loyal to their own. 1. Courtroom Chutney Ingredients: One justice of the peace One amazing perm One classy outfit, but not too flashy Half a small red onion To Make: First, get your perm done real nice—you want to look good. Then take a quick shower so you don’t smell funky in the courtroom. Put on the classy outfit and check yourself in the mirror to make sure you look great. Then use the red onion to get some tears in your eyes, and strut on down to the courtroom to tell the justice exactly what happened on the day of your father’s gruesome murder. This Chutney will take a little longer to prepare than the others—in fact, it probably won’t be ready until April 1st!!!!!! (written by Natalie Wallington)
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AuthorThe cast and crew of Legally Blonde get in touch with sorority girls and Harvard students. Archives
April 2016
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